Embracing the burden of other people
Jesus on why divorce is usually an illusion, not a solution
It was also said, ‘Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce.’ But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery. And whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.
~Matthew 5:31-32
It’s hard to imagine words more counter-cultural than these. With these words Jesus dissects the culture of self-worship that influences everything we do and think.
We are beholden to one another, in ways we constantly fail to recognize and acknowledge. We believe that if we legally or formally sever ties, we can rid ourselves of those we’ve grown tired of. And we grow tired of people all the time, because we’re afraid. People are difficult and broken. We’re messy and falling apart.
We’re all in this mess together, but what’s even more troubling: it’s much easier for me to grow tired of others than to imagine others growing tired of me.
This simple, disconcerting truth isn’t just reflected in our divorce statistics, bleak as they are. It’s also reflected in the epidemic of cutting people out of our lives when they are anything other than affirming cheerleaders for us. We jettison old friends for not serving our purposes. We cut out the elderly for being useless. We ignore our neighbors, content to live alone and isolated.
And our societies are replicating the same tendencies: countries around the world are not just legalizing euthanasia, but actively encouraging it for people who are perceived to be a strain on the system. There’s a push to keep as your friends only those people who help you reach your own goals. Not to mention the frequent social-media calls to avoid all the toxic friends or family members who disagree with you politically.
Jesus forces us to confront a simple reality in this passage: we shape each other. Every person in your life that you find toxic? You’ve had at least some degree of influence on them that has helped make them who they are.
“The spouse I’ve grown tired of, who no longer meets my needs or suits my purposes?” You’ve spent years shaping them through your assumptions and responses—probably not to their benefit.
“The kids who rejected everything I hold sacred, and who therefore deserve to be cut off?” They’re responding to you—to patterns of thinking and behaving that you helped teach them.
“The parents who don’t meet my needs or do much for me, but rather are a mental and emotional burden?” You have shaped them too, through your actions or your disengagement and rejection.
The dream of getting a fresh start through cutting people off is nothing more than a fantasy. You’ll always continue shaping the people who have been closest to you, even if you think you’ve divorced them. They’ll continue shaping you, too—through the memories, habits, patterns of behavior that they instilled in you.
Don’t buy into the illusion that anyone is a burden that can simply be cast off. Accept the people in your life, so long as abuse is not present, and ask yourself not how you would be better if they were gone, but how they would be better if you were present.